Clarity

Cause you are the piece of me, I wish I didn’t need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don’t know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?

And another thing..

If my bank gives me another email saying I have no money, I am going to scream.
I know I am broke, you don't have to remind me every 10 seconds.
Thank you.

FUCK!

damnit! i can't believe he called and then wanted to take me to the beach! what kind of shit is that?!? all of these years, all of those years and now you want to be nice and care about me, and what i do! fuck that! its not fair! why even say shit like that, you have no right! we can be civil, but nice, NICE? after every goddamn thing we have been through, fuck this shit! I don't need your pity or you trying to do stuff with me because you think that i don't have the same wild and crazy life I had before!



fuck it



i don't know.. i don't know why i am so upset and why i started crying in the grocery store just by thinking about why or how you could do that. why just a simple, nice question can bring me to tears after everything we have gone through? how is it that you can still push my buttons and have the whole world stop when you talk to me? i know i love you but not like before, its not like i am still in love with you, that's just crazy and stupid, ridiculous, fucked up, and not at all the point.

anyways, its just crazy how feelings and everything can get stirred up with one little sentence, "I know you'll probably say no, but I just wanted to ask you, do you want to go to the beach with me tomorrow?"

why couldn't you do that before the divorce?! how about during our marriage?!

i don't know what to say or even what to feel, but i know you

just

shouldn't

have

done

that.

feelings so much better!

so im happy and i suppose, relieved. well, i am getting there all over again. its been a really rough year for me, but i feel like i am actually coming out on top for once. im paying my bills, seeing friends, making friends and i am actually enrolled in school! through all the being miserable and not being able to stand myself or anyone else, i managed to have a great foundation to start next year. i can't even believe i did that. its a wonderful feeling to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and realize that all your friends held your hands while you couldn't see in the dark. i understand that being in school is going to be stressful along with still working full-time but i know i can handle it.

me for the past 3 to 4 months...

Thanks a lot i've been disadvantaged from the start

he constricted the veins heading straight to my head

rerouted the blood to my heart instead

rerouted the blood to my heart instead

i am brain dead thinking strictly in blues and reds

oh i'm in enough trouble man

oh man i'm in trouble again

cause everyones ears are watching me

and i never ever felt that this would be

anything more then a makeshift personal IV

cause i fall three times as hard if its for nothing at all

you all seem twice as tall as i will ever be

and i feel terribly small when my head works too hard

when you think with your chest theres not a thing that you don't see

i'm hardly capable of half the damage that i would like to do

i could swear that i don't care

but you know that i'm too full of shit to think this through

so look at me

i pray to god but curse too much to be considered true

i'm just like me, i'm just like to me, so who the hell are you?

i'm but a boy just like the rest of these thieves

and i borrow phrases from dusty faded record sleeves

the story is the same i've just personalized the name

but if it's all you need then i'd be more then happy to confess my sins

cause i fall three times as hard if its for nothing at all

you all seem twice as tall as i will ever be

and i feel terribly small when my head works too hard

when you think with your chest theres not a thing that you don't see

i'm hardly capable of half the damage that i would like to do

i could swear that i don't care

but you know that i'm too full of shit to think this through

so look at me

i pray to god but curse too much to be considered true

i'm just like me, i'm just like to me so, who the hell are you?

i know you think you know but these eyelids are in domes

that shut you out from all the things that i don't want you to know

and i refuse to tell you one single secret i own

cause you'll find i'm petrified of your eyes

i'm hardly capable of half the damage that i would like to do

i could swear that i don't care

but you know that i'm too full of shit to think this through

so look at me

i read the book, i prayed to god but curse too much to be considered true

i'm just like me, i'm just like to me so, who the hell are you?

--Envy on the Coast

it still hurts

i saw it the other day

i felt it

(at least for me)

and not because i want you

or want you to belong to me

it is weird,

because i still think of you as family.

(you know how my family is)

(how i don't really have much family)

and i realized that you are not

and never will be.

it is why i still hurt and can never tell you this

ever.

nothing

when there is nothing to say
nothing to look forward to
nothing to rely on
nothing to cherish
nothing to be upset about
and
no feelings to be felt

what happens now?