this song speaks to me

I will choke until I swallow...
Choke this infant here before me.
What is this but my reflection?
Who am I to judge and strike you down?

But you're
Pushing and shoving me.
You still love me and you pushit on me.

Rest your trigger on my finger,
bang my head upon the fault line.
Take care not to make me enter.
'cause if I do we both may disappear.

But you're pushing me,
Shoving me. Pushit on me.

Slipping back into the gap again.
I'm alive when you're touching me,
Alive when you're shoving me down.

But i'd trade it all
For just a little bit of
Piece of mind.

Put me somewhere I don't wanna be.
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see.
Never wanna see that place again.

Saw that gap again today
As you were begging me to stay.
Managed to push myself away,
And you, as well.

If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay,
You minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way.

There's no love in fear.

Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come.

Just remember I will always love you,
Even as I tear your fucking throat away.
But it will end no other way.

pushit - tool

recap

today was gorgeous in just about every way, except that i had cramps and i was in a car going over bumps for 3 hours. it was a nice 56 degrees with the sun shining brightly. i have a great outlook on a lot of things right now. let me just tell you what this past week has been. i had mitchie all week, i talked to my dad and natalie, and i finally got my maryland licence which i needed to get since January. my ordeal to get that licence was ridicualous and it shows when you look at it. the funny thing is my last name is richardson-reis. hahaha! i know! that's fucking retarded.
i can't wait for a couple of interviews i got lined up this week. it seems that i have things going my way, finally. guess i wanted it bad enough, that, and the fact that i was going crazy.
yea! :)

hahaha!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

wanting to scream is this.

i can't believe how worthless i feel. its something that i just can't shake. with everything i do, i feel that i am doing it wrong. every step i take and its in the wrong direction. i will smile and put on the facade of a happy-go-lucky girl but i am burning with a deep resentment within myself. this wasn't supposed to happen! how am i going to change everything that is wrong this time? oh just keep that smile on and remember that it can only get better from here, but that's not true. its not that i am not thankful or not blessed for what i have. i know that i am. i am just upset that life has been like this for as long as it has. wrong decisions on my part and just getting shit handed to me -- this is my life. this rant that is going nowhere but just pouring out of my heart. i feel worthless and its my fault.

bookmarks of mine

i just wanted to be random and give some links of shit that i have as bookmarks. so here:

• the superfical.com

• all recipes.com

• drudgereport

• homestarrunner!

• adagio teas

• pajiba

• metromix

• spoofee

• dictionary.com

• my myspace!

my birthday!

it its been a month after my birthday and i didn't post any pictures! well the celebratation was at bateman's and it was only for kyle and i, but when we got there dave was there to surprize us! it was awesome! our party took up half of the bar and it was a great time! this was my best birthday thus far! next year im going to CA to party it up with kyle and dave. we know how to have a good time! :)

my thoughts

my thoughts run wild with every worry and i inspect every detail
of this fucked up game called life.
i am bitter, loved, thankful, pissed off and too quiet.
somebody save me, no
something save me, no
nobody and nothing will.
this is me, on my own.

complaints..

this week hasn't been the greatest and this goes on record for the 16th straight week.

i hate :
whole divorce thing
not being able to go to nc to go to channon's celebration
umm, yeah and everything else.

that's all for now.

a goodbye to friends because i really doubt you are coming back in my life

i just wish i knew i can call on you for anything
or have you call me back.
i wish you would not put your fake friends infront of me
and have you cry to me when there aren't there.
i wish you knew how much you mean to me
and how much it hurts to know you don't care.
i have a couple true friends,
i wish you were one of my true friends.
but now i know you're not.

yada, yada, yada..

so in the last couple of days i have found out:
i love lamb
that dreamcatcher is a fucked up but good movie
i miss going out to eat
video games are sooo much fun
three bottles of red wine are not the way to go
the mc.rib is back!
a friend got engaged..congrats sam and erik :)
red velvet is really sexy --- on me
mitchie is definately the best dog in the world
and
i hate christmas, but i already knew that.

just finished it!

tomato and mozzarella salad.. i want it now!!

hbd

i had a pretty good day yesterday. i talked to em and was planning on doing something with her later on in the afternoon but then she went to hang out with kim in va. that kinda sucked but what can i do about it? i kept busy all afternoon. i did the dishes, took a shower, fed Sundae, etc. when ray came home we all decided to go out to the mall and that was so random. after walked around a bit and buying nothing, we hung out at rocky run, a restuarant and bar at marley mall. they have some real good happy hour specials and im pretty sure we all got good and happy. from there we met up with tabitha at bill bateman's II and had dinner. it was a pretty random but a fun time. then i took a sleeping pill and went to bed. the end.

my hearts on empty..

i am dirty
i feel filthy with a dark muck that i can't wipe off.
my head is made of this massive goo
and i can't seem to get it out of my eyes.
how can i stand in front of family and friends in this state?
i am not to be looked upon or talked to,
my words are rottenness nothings that i cough up.
i move in a sluggish way.
this is me now.

eww gross weather!

COLUMBIA...BALTIMORE...ANNAPOLIS... WALDORF...ST MARYS CITY...FROSTBURG... CUMBERLAND...STAUNTON... WAYNESBORO... HARRISONBURG...WINCHESTER...FRONT ROYAL... CHARLOTTESVILLE...LEESBURG...
..SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS ARE EXPECTED WITH TORNADOES POSSIBLE TODAY...

AN INTENSE LOW PRESSURE SYSTEM WILL MOVE FROM THE OHIO VALLEY TODAY INTO THE NORTHERN GREAT LAKES TONIGHT. A STRONG COLD FRONT EXTENDING FROM THIS LOW WILL CROSS THE REGION TODAY... REACHING THE CHESAPEAKE BAY THIS EVENING. THUNDERSTORMS ARE EXPECTED TO DEVELOP ALONG AND AHEAD OF THE FRONT THIS AFTERNOON.

UNSEASONABLY STRONG WINDS ALOFT WILL LEAD TO SOME THUNDERSTORMS PRODUCING SEVERE WEATHER TODAY. WINDS IN THE ATMOSPHERE TODAY ALSO ARE FAVORABLE FOR TORNADOES TO DEVELOP.

THIS STORM SYSTEM HAS A HISTORY OF PRODUCING SEVERE WEATHER AND TORNADOES FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS.

MUCH OF THE SEVERE WEATHER IS EXPECTED TO BE ALONG AND EAST OF INTERSTATE 81. THE GREATEST RISK OF SEVERE WEATHER TODAY IS IN THE BALTIMORE AND WASHINGTON METROPOLITAN AREAS AND SOUTHERN MARYLAND. THE MOST LIKELY TIME FOR SEVERE WEATHER WILL BE DURING THE AFTERNOON HOURS.

IN ADDITION...MUCH OF THE AREA WILL EXPERIENCE MODERATE RAIN THROUGH THE AFTERNOON HOURS. THE HEAVIEST SHOWERS AND THUNDERSTORMS WILL PRODUCE A FEW AREAS OF TORRENTIAL RAINFALL WILL BE POSSIBLE WHICH COULD LEAD TO ISOLATED FLOODING.

EVERYONE ACROSS THE AREA IS URGED TO VERY CLOSELY MONITOR WEATHER CONDITIONS TODAY. BE PREPARED TO SEEK SAFE SHELTER IMMEDIATELY TODAY AS THUNDERSTORMS WILL BE MOVING VERY QUICKLY...IN EXCESS OF 50 MPH... LEAVING LITTLE TIME TO SEEK SAFE SHELTER.

i love the weather channel.com!

i fuckin' hate weather like this. i almost never want to go out. this is not good. but oh well. also, i think i lost my phone charger, which is not good cus the battery is dead. also, not good. had some real fucked up dreams about making coffee all wrong and i had a huge overwhelming feeling of disappointment. not from making the coffee, it was something else. not cool. but fuck that, fuck everything, its going to be ok.

my mom

i talked to my mom yesterday and that was a horrible idea. i never hear from her when everything is alright, only when everything is falling apart. so she does her normal rant about how everything is not working for her and that she is trying. she is always trying, she never just does anything. that bothers me to the fullest and i also hate it because i seem to be taking after her. damn, that makes me soo mad! anyways, i am on the phone with her for over an hour and i haven't gotten a word in and i only do when she asks for money. yep, she wants me to give her money yet again. but this time, i really don't have it. i gave her money like 2 or 3 weeks ago. what the fuck?!? she only listened to me for about 3 minutes as i was pacing back and forth telling her i don't know exactly how to do what i need to do for myself and that i can't take care of her. then after that she goes back saying that she didn't know what to do, no words of encouragement or anything to me, just that her plan of me getting her out of trouble just fell through. i wanted to throw the phone, because she always, always does this. ian says i shouldn't let it bother me, but i do. At least during the first day. she always pushes my buttons. i suppose its a gift that all mothers have. one of the reasons why i don't want to become one, i never want to treat my kid like this, make them feel helpless and insufficient. and so im getting off the phone with her and before we hang up she says she hopes she doesn't take up drinking again because of this. ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!? who says that?!? why would you say that?!? thanks mom, make me feel responsible for your drinking problem that you had along with the mortgage you can't afford, and your job that sucks, and when you don't have lights, and the lack of car, and if you have to go to the doctor and can't pay for it.
thanks, that's what i needed.

i wrote this about a year ago, but it still fits..
Current mood: crushed





i breathe a sigh of relief when around you

my muscles relax

you are my drug, i must have you

i inhale you with my entire being,

i absorb you through my pores

the world falls away and we are alone

this is perfect

god i wish you knew.. like it would make a difference.

"And miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold gound
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms"


and oh well, here i go worried about what you think when i shouldn't be. it doesn't matter, i will always love you regardless of what you think or don't think of me and i guess that's what i'll always hold on to.

me right now.. did you know?

so i got this job offer and im excited. don't know what will become of this. i am up at 7:30am wide awake and worried, which sucks. i have flutters in my heart when i hear hope and promises. winter is here and that is simply awful. i miss mitchie. i don't want to miss the next 2 months. i love you.

Halloween Party!!

me and my roomies!