feelings so much better!

so im happy and i suppose, relieved. well, i am getting there all over again. its been a really rough year for me, but i feel like i am actually coming out on top for once. im paying my bills, seeing friends, making friends and i am actually enrolled in school! through all the being miserable and not being able to stand myself or anyone else, i managed to have a great foundation to start next year. i can't even believe i did that. its a wonderful feeling to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and realize that all your friends held your hands while you couldn't see in the dark. i understand that being in school is going to be stressful along with still working full-time but i know i can handle it.

me for the past 3 to 4 months...

Thanks a lot i've been disadvantaged from the start

he constricted the veins heading straight to my head

rerouted the blood to my heart instead

rerouted the blood to my heart instead

i am brain dead thinking strictly in blues and reds

oh i'm in enough trouble man

oh man i'm in trouble again

cause everyones ears are watching me

and i never ever felt that this would be

anything more then a makeshift personal IV

cause i fall three times as hard if its for nothing at all

you all seem twice as tall as i will ever be

and i feel terribly small when my head works too hard

when you think with your chest theres not a thing that you don't see

i'm hardly capable of half the damage that i would like to do

i could swear that i don't care

but you know that i'm too full of shit to think this through

so look at me

i pray to god but curse too much to be considered true

i'm just like me, i'm just like to me, so who the hell are you?

i'm but a boy just like the rest of these thieves

and i borrow phrases from dusty faded record sleeves

the story is the same i've just personalized the name

but if it's all you need then i'd be more then happy to confess my sins

cause i fall three times as hard if its for nothing at all

you all seem twice as tall as i will ever be

and i feel terribly small when my head works too hard

when you think with your chest theres not a thing that you don't see

i'm hardly capable of half the damage that i would like to do

i could swear that i don't care

but you know that i'm too full of shit to think this through

so look at me

i pray to god but curse too much to be considered true

i'm just like me, i'm just like to me so, who the hell are you?

i know you think you know but these eyelids are in domes

that shut you out from all the things that i don't want you to know

and i refuse to tell you one single secret i own

cause you'll find i'm petrified of your eyes

i'm hardly capable of half the damage that i would like to do

i could swear that i don't care

but you know that i'm too full of shit to think this through

so look at me

i read the book, i prayed to god but curse too much to be considered true

i'm just like me, i'm just like to me so, who the hell are you?

--Envy on the Coast

it still hurts

i saw it the other day

i felt it

(at least for me)

and not because i want you

or want you to belong to me

it is weird,

because i still think of you as family.

(you know how my family is)

(how i don't really have much family)

and i realized that you are not

and never will be.

it is why i still hurt and can never tell you this

ever.

nothing

when there is nothing to say
nothing to look forward to
nothing to rely on
nothing to cherish
nothing to be upset about
and
no feelings to be felt

what happens now?

home

i think im going to nc
be in a place that i call home
nobody follow, nobody come
i need to see the familiar so i don't feel out of place
my heart hurts here
and its not because of you
i want to be in my glass box where no one can hurt me
but not here in your home
there -- in mine.

dooooooooooooo sommmthinnnnnnnnnnnnnng....

so that's all you are going to do, sleep? every single time i talk to you on the phone, i have woken you up and when i come home, you are taking a nap on the couch. i understand life is tiring, but really? is everything ok? are you not telling me something?
or is it just that you like to sleep.
wake up and live.
have fun.


[sorry, im upset and rambling]

overwhelmed.

have you ever felt the weight of the world on your heart? like no one no matter what they do, can help you? its just nothing anybody else can fix. its something that you feel unhappy with and that you have to fix. one day you wake up saying, "what the hell am i doing?! is this where i want to be?!" and when you can tell someone exactly how you feel, you are frozen in fear and in sadness because you didn't know it was so much to bear until this exact moment.
its an overwhelming feeling, something that's been apart of you for such a long time but you didn't have time to feel it. you couldn't let yourself feel it. and now you realize that its the one feeling you just can't ignore.

The Great Guy Who Took Me To My NC Weekend!!

Yeah, he's pretty fuckin' amazing..

NC Weekend!!

I went to NC to see my mommy and this guy, Josh. He's still a best friend even after all these years. I saw tons of other people that I haven't seen in years and it felt so good. I had an amazing time and I wouldn't trade it for the world. :)

thanks for the computer help!

thanks for making me cry
i know that was not your intention
so over a year later, it still hurts
it stings, and it infurates
i know i fucked up!
you did too!
we never moved passed that and it ate us alive
or just me.
you weren't some kind of god damn saint always there and comforting
you were you and yes, i do know you.
i would have stayed away the first time if i didn't.
and i still love you, call you my family, and have your last name.
but we've been moving on passed this.
have to and will.

i don't think that
we will laugh about this years from now
maybe it will still hurt.

With music everywhere and dim lights

You touching me and whispering in my ear
I feel the beat everywhere as you pulsate in time
you reach into my soul and caress me
I'm trying to hang on to reality
but i can't see you. you are there
i breathe you in, digest you in my being
with music everywhere and dim lights
we are one.

Baby on the Brain

I don't know where my head is at. I am in such a baby-frenzy right now. I am no where near being able and ready for a baby, but its like my clock is ticking so loud, its the only thing I hear. Everywhere I turn it seems that everyone has a baby or is pregnant. Why am I so jealous?
A year ago I was partying it up and recently separated from Ian. I was on my own for the first time and working like crazy. I was also living with 3 guys! I was obviously not ready for a baby. Wasn't even thinking about it. But now, I really want to settle down and have a family. (I am not saying with who I would like to do this with, because its just ideas and feelings. And its none of any body's business.)
I feel like I should have done this years ago, given that I was married and basically financially stable. I should have had at least 2 kids by now. I am glad that I didn't actually have kids with Ian because I have no idea where we would be if that did happen. I don't think we were ever ready to have kids and we never talked about it. Probably another reason why we broke up.
So, now what? What do you do when its on your mind everyday? I guess just be happy at where you are today and try not to rush into anything. Or maybe I just need a another puppy. Suggestions?

speechless

talk to me

you have no idea how good your voice sounds to me
with memories rushing through my head

my heart beats faster

because i feel like living
like smiling and crying

i am tingling all over

talk to me

so i can be speechless

this song speaks to me

I will choke until I swallow...
Choke this infant here before me.
What is this but my reflection?
Who am I to judge and strike you down?

But you're
Pushing and shoving me.
You still love me and you pushit on me.

Rest your trigger on my finger,
bang my head upon the fault line.
Take care not to make me enter.
'cause if I do we both may disappear.

But you're pushing me,
Shoving me. Pushit on me.

Slipping back into the gap again.
I'm alive when you're touching me,
Alive when you're shoving me down.

But i'd trade it all
For just a little bit of
Piece of mind.

Put me somewhere I don't wanna be.
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see.
Never wanna see that place again.

Saw that gap again today
As you were begging me to stay.
Managed to push myself away,
And you, as well.

If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay,
You minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way.

There's no love in fear.

Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come.

Just remember I will always love you,
Even as I tear your fucking throat away.
But it will end no other way.

pushit - tool

recap

today was gorgeous in just about every way, except that i had cramps and i was in a car going over bumps for 3 hours. it was a nice 56 degrees with the sun shining brightly. i have a great outlook on a lot of things right now. let me just tell you what this past week has been. i had mitchie all week, i talked to my dad and natalie, and i finally got my maryland licence which i needed to get since January. my ordeal to get that licence was ridicualous and it shows when you look at it. the funny thing is my last name is richardson-reis. hahaha! i know! that's fucking retarded.
i can't wait for a couple of interviews i got lined up this week. it seems that i have things going my way, finally. guess i wanted it bad enough, that, and the fact that i was going crazy.
yea! :)

hahaha!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

wanting to scream is this.

i can't believe how worthless i feel. its something that i just can't shake. with everything i do, i feel that i am doing it wrong. every step i take and its in the wrong direction. i will smile and put on the facade of a happy-go-lucky girl but i am burning with a deep resentment within myself. this wasn't supposed to happen! how am i going to change everything that is wrong this time? oh just keep that smile on and remember that it can only get better from here, but that's not true. its not that i am not thankful or not blessed for what i have. i know that i am. i am just upset that life has been like this for as long as it has. wrong decisions on my part and just getting shit handed to me -- this is my life. this rant that is going nowhere but just pouring out of my heart. i feel worthless and its my fault.

bookmarks of mine

i just wanted to be random and give some links of shit that i have as bookmarks. so here:

• the superfical.com

• all recipes.com

• drudgereport

• homestarrunner!

• adagio teas

• pajiba

• metromix

• spoofee

• dictionary.com

• my myspace!

my birthday!

it its been a month after my birthday and i didn't post any pictures! well the celebratation was at bateman's and it was only for kyle and i, but when we got there dave was there to surprize us! it was awesome! our party took up half of the bar and it was a great time! this was my best birthday thus far! next year im going to CA to party it up with kyle and dave. we know how to have a good time! :)

my thoughts

my thoughts run wild with every worry and i inspect every detail
of this fucked up game called life.
i am bitter, loved, thankful, pissed off and too quiet.
somebody save me, no
something save me, no
nobody and nothing will.
this is me, on my own.

complaints..

this week hasn't been the greatest and this goes on record for the 16th straight week.

i hate :
whole divorce thing
not being able to go to nc to go to channon's celebration
umm, yeah and everything else.

that's all for now.