The Great Guy Who Took Me To My NC Weekend!!

Yeah, he's pretty fuckin' amazing..

NC Weekend!!

I went to NC to see my mommy and this guy, Josh. He's still a best friend even after all these years. I saw tons of other people that I haven't seen in years and it felt so good. I had an amazing time and I wouldn't trade it for the world. :)

thanks for the computer help!

thanks for making me cry
i know that was not your intention
so over a year later, it still hurts
it stings, and it infurates
i know i fucked up!
you did too!
we never moved passed that and it ate us alive
or just me.
you weren't some kind of god damn saint always there and comforting
you were you and yes, i do know you.
i would have stayed away the first time if i didn't.
and i still love you, call you my family, and have your last name.
but we've been moving on passed this.
have to and will.

i don't think that
we will laugh about this years from now
maybe it will still hurt.

With music everywhere and dim lights

You touching me and whispering in my ear
I feel the beat everywhere as you pulsate in time
you reach into my soul and caress me
I'm trying to hang on to reality
but i can't see you. you are there
i breathe you in, digest you in my being
with music everywhere and dim lights
we are one.

Baby on the Brain

I don't know where my head is at. I am in such a baby-frenzy right now. I am no where near being able and ready for a baby, but its like my clock is ticking so loud, its the only thing I hear. Everywhere I turn it seems that everyone has a baby or is pregnant. Why am I so jealous?
A year ago I was partying it up and recently separated from Ian. I was on my own for the first time and working like crazy. I was also living with 3 guys! I was obviously not ready for a baby. Wasn't even thinking about it. But now, I really want to settle down and have a family. (I am not saying with who I would like to do this with, because its just ideas and feelings. And its none of any body's business.)
I feel like I should have done this years ago, given that I was married and basically financially stable. I should have had at least 2 kids by now. I am glad that I didn't actually have kids with Ian because I have no idea where we would be if that did happen. I don't think we were ever ready to have kids and we never talked about it. Probably another reason why we broke up.
So, now what? What do you do when its on your mind everyday? I guess just be happy at where you are today and try not to rush into anything. Or maybe I just need a another puppy. Suggestions?

speechless

talk to me

you have no idea how good your voice sounds to me
with memories rushing through my head

my heart beats faster

because i feel like living
like smiling and crying

i am tingling all over

talk to me

so i can be speechless

this song speaks to me

I will choke until I swallow...
Choke this infant here before me.
What is this but my reflection?
Who am I to judge and strike you down?

But you're
Pushing and shoving me.
You still love me and you pushit on me.

Rest your trigger on my finger,
bang my head upon the fault line.
Take care not to make me enter.
'cause if I do we both may disappear.

But you're pushing me,
Shoving me. Pushit on me.

Slipping back into the gap again.
I'm alive when you're touching me,
Alive when you're shoving me down.

But i'd trade it all
For just a little bit of
Piece of mind.

Put me somewhere I don't wanna be.
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see.
Never wanna see that place again.

Saw that gap again today
As you were begging me to stay.
Managed to push myself away,
And you, as well.

If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay,
You minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way.

There's no love in fear.

Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come.

Just remember I will always love you,
Even as I tear your fucking throat away.
But it will end no other way.

pushit - tool

recap

today was gorgeous in just about every way, except that i had cramps and i was in a car going over bumps for 3 hours. it was a nice 56 degrees with the sun shining brightly. i have a great outlook on a lot of things right now. let me just tell you what this past week has been. i had mitchie all week, i talked to my dad and natalie, and i finally got my maryland licence which i needed to get since January. my ordeal to get that licence was ridicualous and it shows when you look at it. the funny thing is my last name is richardson-reis. hahaha! i know! that's fucking retarded.
i can't wait for a couple of interviews i got lined up this week. it seems that i have things going my way, finally. guess i wanted it bad enough, that, and the fact that i was going crazy.
yea! :)

hahaha!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

wanting to scream is this.

i can't believe how worthless i feel. its something that i just can't shake. with everything i do, i feel that i am doing it wrong. every step i take and its in the wrong direction. i will smile and put on the facade of a happy-go-lucky girl but i am burning with a deep resentment within myself. this wasn't supposed to happen! how am i going to change everything that is wrong this time? oh just keep that smile on and remember that it can only get better from here, but that's not true. its not that i am not thankful or not blessed for what i have. i know that i am. i am just upset that life has been like this for as long as it has. wrong decisions on my part and just getting shit handed to me -- this is my life. this rant that is going nowhere but just pouring out of my heart. i feel worthless and its my fault.

bookmarks of mine

i just wanted to be random and give some links of shit that i have as bookmarks. so here:

• the superfical.com

• all recipes.com

• drudgereport

• homestarrunner!

• adagio teas

• pajiba

• metromix

• spoofee

• dictionary.com

• my myspace!

my birthday!

it its been a month after my birthday and i didn't post any pictures! well the celebratation was at bateman's and it was only for kyle and i, but when we got there dave was there to surprize us! it was awesome! our party took up half of the bar and it was a great time! this was my best birthday thus far! next year im going to CA to party it up with kyle and dave. we know how to have a good time! :)

my thoughts

my thoughts run wild with every worry and i inspect every detail
of this fucked up game called life.
i am bitter, loved, thankful, pissed off and too quiet.
somebody save me, no
something save me, no
nobody and nothing will.
this is me, on my own.

complaints..

this week hasn't been the greatest and this goes on record for the 16th straight week.

i hate :
whole divorce thing
not being able to go to nc to go to channon's celebration
umm, yeah and everything else.

that's all for now.

a goodbye to friends because i really doubt you are coming back in my life

i just wish i knew i can call on you for anything
or have you call me back.
i wish you would not put your fake friends infront of me
and have you cry to me when there aren't there.
i wish you knew how much you mean to me
and how much it hurts to know you don't care.
i have a couple true friends,
i wish you were one of my true friends.
but now i know you're not.

yada, yada, yada..

so in the last couple of days i have found out:
i love lamb
that dreamcatcher is a fucked up but good movie
i miss going out to eat
video games are sooo much fun
three bottles of red wine are not the way to go
the mc.rib is back!
a friend got engaged..congrats sam and erik :)
red velvet is really sexy --- on me
mitchie is definately the best dog in the world
and
i hate christmas, but i already knew that.

just finished it!

tomato and mozzarella salad.. i want it now!!

hbd

i had a pretty good day yesterday. i talked to em and was planning on doing something with her later on in the afternoon but then she went to hang out with kim in va. that kinda sucked but what can i do about it? i kept busy all afternoon. i did the dishes, took a shower, fed Sundae, etc. when ray came home we all decided to go out to the mall and that was so random. after walked around a bit and buying nothing, we hung out at rocky run, a restuarant and bar at marley mall. they have some real good happy hour specials and im pretty sure we all got good and happy. from there we met up with tabitha at bill bateman's II and had dinner. it was a pretty random but a fun time. then i took a sleeping pill and went to bed. the end.

my hearts on empty..

i am dirty
i feel filthy with a dark muck that i can't wipe off.
my head is made of this massive goo
and i can't seem to get it out of my eyes.
how can i stand in front of family and friends in this state?
i am not to be looked upon or talked to,
my words are rottenness nothings that i cough up.
i move in a sluggish way.
this is me now.